today

Today, I'm back.

I've been struggling with whether or not I should let you all know what's been going on or just jump back in to normal things. But I guess, since I feel like I'm the kind of person who's pretty open and real in this place, I'd just briefly and gently let you know where I've been.

A few weeks ago, I discovered I was pregnant. I was honestly shocked, but at the same time, we want to have more babes, and you know how quickly you can warm up to the idea--start making plans in your head about who will sleep where, how you'll convince your husband to bring back cable television for the long nights of nursing, how old the baby will be when the baby is born. You know.

But at the same time this pregnancy felt different. I didn't have my usual longing to call up my family and let them know the news. I didn't feel pregnant except for the little white stick in my hand that said so. (Though soon after, I found myself becoming too tired to do the dinner dishes each night.)

However, last week I had a miscarriage.

I'm doing okay. I feel ready to move on. I want to feel some normalcy again, though my body continues to remind me that it's not quite ready.

But today has been better. My best day in awhile.

But you know what? This whole experience has taught me a few things.

First of all, the day the miscarriage began in earnest, I felt flooded with gratitude. Gratitude for my three sweet, healthy, happy children. They are gifts. Gifts that I was taking for granted. I am truly blessed.

Second, there is much to be learned in being still. My children have known where to find me the past several days--tucked under the covers in my bed, under the quilts on a comfortable chair in the living room. They find me, tuck in beside me and talk to me. Secrets. Questions. Stories. And just times of being quiet or napping together. I would have missed these moments if it weren't for all this. And now, I see the importance of being still and available more often.

And above all, I am so grateful for my husband--who knows exactly what to say, what to take care of. Who dropped everything for me, and took care of everything for me. What would I do without him? I can't think of another person I'd rather go through this life with. We've been through our fair share and always come out on the other side better because of it.

On Dan's first day back to work, Mary said to me, "Mommy. Emma and I are going to take such good care of you today. No. We're going to take such good care of you all the way until you're better. Is that nice to say?"

It was perfect, Mary.

Thanks for listening, friends. Looking forward to getting back in the swing of things very soon.

Comments

[blair]

Molly, I wish I knew what to say that's as comforting to you as what Mary said. Take good care of yourself. I'm so sorry. xoxo

[Missy K]

Molly, I have tears in my eyes-- for the sadness of your loss and the sweetness of the care and comfort and nurture your loved ones are giving you. May you be wrapped in that good care, all the way to better.

[wilsonian]

So sorry for your loss... and praying peace for you. You've made quite a lovely, caring family there. Of all the things you've made, I hope you appreciate how special that is.

ps. you really rock those pigtails :)

[tams]

I am so so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. Take care of yourself, you deserve it. I'm thinking of you.

[Liz]

Oh Molly... I'm so sorry to hear your news. Losing a baby is so hard. Everyone responds to it differently and may or may not feel the impact at different times. I'm grateful you have such a wonderful husband and family to take care of you. God has given you a keen perspective on things, thank you for sharing it.
Prayers and hugs,
liz

[nass]

My thoughts and a little prayer for the tiny soul are being sent your way. You are an inspirational mother and when the time is right, I am sure another little one will join you here..

[miss chris]

Oh Molly, I'm so sorry. I know how hard this is, having gone through it just this summer. Take care of yourself. I'm thinking of you...

[Crystal]

Wishing you comfort...

I have been there three times and I cannot remember what anyone ever said that made me feel better. I am sorry for your loss, my friend.

[angela]

Oh Molly. I am so sorry. I'm sending you big warm hugs. Thank you for sharing what you have learned. I'm so glad you are surrounded by your loving family. My thoughts are with you.

[emily]

so beautifully shared. hugs, you know.

[Candace]

*hugs* Molly!! Take care ♥

[Jennifer H.]

I'm so sorry. I've been there as well, maybe talking about it in this fashion will help. I was quiet and thought no one would understand. I wish that I had been brave enough to share.

[sarah]

I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are surrounded by much love and comfort.

[Lisa]

Molly,
I've never commented before, but I love reading your posts. I'm so sorry for your loss. When I read your post on BabyCenter, for some reason I thought that this was what happened. I don't know how or why, but that's what came to my mind. My thoughts are with you.

[Alicia A.]

Oh. I am so sorry.
Big, big, big hugs to you Molly.

[jennifer w.]

Take care, dear heart.

[erin]

oh molly, i am so sorry to hear this. but you are right to look at the blessings you do have. big big hugs.

[Eren]

Oh friend, I am so sorry to hear what a rough go of it you have had. Sending lots of healing prayers to you this evening.

[Lori]

so sorry sweetie - our thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Corynne Escalante]

prayers for you and your family. i hope you get to feeling better soon...

[Spring]

Molly,
Im so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Send you big hugs

[kirsten]

glad you are at peace - and you ARE so blessed.

[estea]

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[Veronique]

Oh, Honey... I am so sorry. How lovely to have your sweet family there to surround you with their love.

[stephanie]

may the Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make His face shine on you, and be gracious to you. May the Lord lift up His countenance on you...and give you peace.

with all my love,
stephanie

[tracy Bartley]

sending thoughts and prayers your way.
xo

[gkgirl]

i'm sorry that it didn't come
out the way you would have hoped.

and what sweetness from
your children and your husband.

you are in good hands.

[Annie]

I am so glad your family (and your sweet sweet children, that just melts my heart) are taking care of you. I've had 3 miscarriages so I have been there. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to heal. It sounds like you are finding some peace, sending good thoughts your way.

[Sarah Jackson]

Oh Molly. My heart hurts for you. I had that happen in May, and it's devastating in a way that I never expected. And you're right - our children are a gift that is too easily taken for granted. I learned that too. Big hugs for you and your family in this really hard time.

[Sheila at Dodging Raindrops]

I've been missing your lovely posts. I'm so sorry to hear what happened. What you wrote reminds me of the verse - all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose. It is wonderful to see what He has done in showing you such blessings in the midst of such a hard experience.

[Kathy]

So saddened to hear the news of your loss. Much peace and grace to you and your precious ones.

[Stefani]

Oh hon. I'm so sorry, but so glad that you are able to find and savor the blessings.

Much love and big hugs to you.

[dutchgirl]

Well, this is a terrible time to delurk, but I wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. My thoughts and prayers will be with you, I am glad you are surrounded by love.

[lera]

I'm so very sorry. I, too, have experienced a miscarriage and remember the pain and sadness. I hope you are feeling better soon.

[Jessica]

I am so so sorry, so so very sorry.

[Sara]

I'm right there with you sweets. I had wondered at your quiet.
I know I lurk more than I should but I always enjoy being here and I hurt for you.
I'm shocked to think that its been almost 16 months since I went through it, it feels like years ago and yesterday. I have two healthy beautiful children and I have had 2 miscarriages and my husband gifted me with the greatest way to feel complete about all of it - he said that we have 2 wonderful girls but we'll always have our 4 children.

my heart is with you and your family.

[Tonya]

Definitely can't top what Mary said, but you should know that your readers care about you too. Glad to see you're in a better place.

[molly]

hugs my friend. you are in my thoughts.

[Beth]

I'm so sorry... Sending you my love.
--Beth

[Amy]

Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts. Please accept my deepest sympathies on your loss and know that you are in my thoughts.

[minnesota:madre]

I'm so sorry, Molly. You're in my prayers.

[amanda]

Oh, honey. I'm so so sorry. I know this pain so well. Sending wishes of love and peace and so many more snuggles from that beautiful family of yours.

[meg]

I'm very sorry for your loss, Molly. Thank you for taking the time to share and encourage the rest of us with your observations during this tough time.

[Mary]

I'm so, so sorry. I've been there as well and my heart goes out to you. ((big hugs))

[Pam]

After many months of reading your wonderful blog I need to post. Thank you for sharing your world with us, the good and the bad. I am so sorry for your loss. I too have 3 daughters and I always think if I can send them out into the world with a good heart I have done my job. It sounds like you have done a beautiful job. Take Care.

[kyrie]

Molly,

As my girls would say, iloveyousomuch!

You have the gift of creating and noticing joy and beauty, something that has helped so many of us, your readers. Thank you, and may it give you comfort.

xo, Kyrie

[amy h]

I'm so sorry you have been going through this, Molly. I know it's hard. Let your husband and babes take good care of you.

[Kim]

Oh I'm so sorry. I am glad that you are feeling comfort and being taken care of. Continue to be gentle with yourself Mama.

[kate]

thanks for sharing and reminding me that i, too, am so blessed:)

[Amanda]

With love and warmness,
Amanda